Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Nick Son

My fan fiction will be focused on Romeo and Juliet. Moreover, several stories will be mixed with it. Your might not catch the theme of this story because many errors of grammar and words.. If is there any errors please comments then I wll fix it!! The several stories mixed are The Cinderella, the Snow white and 7dwarfs and the Rapunzel.



Juliet couldn’t afford to go out of her house because her mother was disturbed by the relationship between Romeo and Juliet. One very dark night; Romeo went to her garden and called her.

“Juliet!” Romeo cried.

Juliet who was with long hair about more than 7 M looked down and smiled after seeing Romeo but she was afraid of her mother's realizing that Romeo was in the garden.

Juliet whispered "Romeo! What are you doing over there? You shouldn’t be here. My mother is sleeping now!"

Romeo replied "I am not patient to miss you so much. That is why I am here."

Both were worrying about her mother's waking up but they wanted to see closer and exactly each faces. Because of the no moon, it was hard to distinguish each others.

Romeo cried "Juliet, please throw down something I can climb up there with. I want to see you closer."

Juliet mumbled "Rope rope rope."
Juliet was looking for such ropes but there were no any such ropes he can climb up with.
She finally realised she already has one such as ropes "Oh!! My hair!"

She threw down her hair to him to climb up.

Romeo whispered "Oh Juliet you are my girl."

He went up but it was not easy to go up in darkness and he was worried her hair would fall out by pulling her hair. At that time, the time was going to almost 12am. When the time reached 12am, Juliet hair changed to 7 dwarf toys chaining behind of each others. Romeo was startled and fell down to garden. He looked up the 7 dwarf toys vacantly for a while. He thought Juliet was cheating on him with the 7 dwarfs. He did't realised the 7 dwarfs are toys. Romeo ran away and wept.

Juliet yelled "Romeo come back! Romeo!" She thought Romeo was astounded due to the toys. She started to get off the toys from her hair.
Romeo got a mind during running to murder her and 7 dwarfs.
"Juliet... I trust you... I loved you... I will kill you and 7 dwarfs!" something like bile was rising in his throat.

Romeo decided to look for a wizard who can create a spell. After asking all around, he finally got a village where a wizard live in. Only one old house was located in it.
Romeo knocked the front door of the house. Romeo was sure the house was what a wizard live in. The door was unlocked so he went in the house and then looked for a wizard.
One wizard was looking at a mirror and turned back to see Romeo. The wizard was giggling.

Romeo said "Great wizard, I need a spell to kill Juliet!!" The wizard looked very old and worn a shabby cape.

"Alright alright, I knew you'd be here. And I have already prepared what you want ha ha ha."
He brought a green apple and gave Romeo.
"You will transform into strong and handsome man if you eat it. Then I will tell you what you have to do next for your revenge. Ha ha ha."

Romeo ate the apple without any indecision. Romeo suddenly fell down on the floor and convulsed then never woke up...

"Ha Ha Ha, I am going to be the most handsome man in the world soon!"
By people who had heard the wizard's saying around of his house the murdering Romeo was widely known. Then Juliet had heard it. She was sobbing. She decided another revenge for Romeo to kill the wizard. Juliet hit the road to look for the wizard first but it was not difficult because the wizard was so notorious for his behaviors.

Finally she caught him up. Rage like splitting pain burst through her head and then she yelled

"You killed Romeo. Now I'm killing you!"

The wizard sobbingly said "Don't you remember me..? It is me... Romeo…"

Juliet replied as surprised "What..? What are you talking about? You are Romeo..? Don't lie! He doesn't look stupid like you!"

The wizard got a miff. "I drank what the wizard gave me. Then I transformed like... like.... this stupid figure.........." He resisted an impulse to take a miff.

She hugged and told him "Oh poor Romeo I have missed you so much. Have you any idea how to transform back into your original figure?"

He talked back as soon as finish her saying. "Kiss!! Your kiss is only the key!!" Juliet was so happy to take a chance kissing him.

"Oh that is what I want Romeo!" Juliet kissed the wizard.

Suddenly the wizard was transforming slowly into young and handsome wizard but it was not definitely Romeo. The young wizard was looking at a mirror not Juliet. He was being impressed about his face. "I.. I am the most handsome man in the world!! And you are the most beautiful girl in the world." and then he turned back to Juliet and told her.

"Will you marry me?"

However, no one was there. Only one frog was crying under the Juliet clothes Juliet worn.

The frog sobbed and said "You are not Romeo.. You are not a man who I love!! You are responsible!!"

The frog ran away of the house then never come back.

The Wizard still had no idea what and why just happened that..

Note: Juliet took a spell (Offering long hair that was made by 7 dwarfs but available up to 12am) attractive Romeo. However, she must kiss with only man she really loved in mind. If not she might transform into a frog.

4 comments:

  1. Wow what an intense story!

    I found that the plot was a little bit hard to follow. It seems that there is so much that you incorporate that its jumps very quickly between new scenes. I had to re-read it to fully grasp the plot I think there needs to be some downtime in between scenes for the reader to really grasp what is going on. There was some nice descriptions about the characters feelings in there and i feel you show the emotions of the characters well. There are a few words choices/ grammar mistakes that i would probably change. For example. "hu hu hu" is usually represented 'ha ha ha' unless there is a reason that it is in another voice?
    The first sentence
    "Juliet couldn’t afford to out of her house because her mother disturbed the relationship between Romeo and Juliet" i think should read more like

    "Juliet couldn’t afford to go out of her house because her mother was disturbed by the relationship between Romeo and Juliet"

    The sentence "hair that might be fallen out" i think should say "he was worried her hair would fall out" - its just a change in the tense i think.

    Im not sure the term 'Highly believed" really works, i think it would be more natural to say, 'was sure' in this context

    But those are just my suggestions, i'm still working on revising mine 2! Good work!
    :)

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  2. omg, It's so entertainin! Characters are really crazy lol. I love it!! this story is compeltely twisted from original.

    you have some grammar mistakes as Rachedl already has commented, but you still can edit it and this story is still funny. great job!

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  3. Hiya!

    Woah you've taken on a lot here combining what- four fairytales to fit in with the Romeo and Juliet theme! It certainly makes for a clever and entertaining idea. I do feel though you have somewhat overdone the crossovers anad that it distracts from the story.

    You've got a fair number of sentence structure errors, and again in some places have chosen the wrong wording.

    Picking up from where Rachel has left off: "Juliet who was with long hair" could be turned into "Juliet has long hair".

    and then with Romeo's first line I'm not sure if it's intentional and supposed to be some kind of 'Shakespearean' language where he says "I am not patient to miss you so much" or if it is as I see it erros in wording.

    The sentence: "Romeo at the orange...." indecision should actually be 'consideration'.

    The last thing I have to point out for maybe changing is when talking about the time and Juliet's hair changing.... instead of saying 12am, a better term to use is 'midnight'.

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  4. wow, great!

    your story is ... something different!
    i found your story is mixed up with 4 stories - actually you've already mentioned lol.

    Yes, the characters are crazy as Min says lol

    and i'm so sorry to say I could not find any grammar or vocab mistake. but don't worry, other people above have already pointed out the mistakes :)

    anyway, good job, nick!

    thank you for writing the awesome story lol!

    ReplyDelete